Between the Lines
by Skycat
Summary: Kyou's Journal. Ongoing. Shounenai if you squint really hard.Language and spoiler warning
1. Friday, February 13, 1998

Between the Lines

By: Skycat

Friday, February 13, 1998.

__

20:22 (8:22 pm)

I've never been good with words. Just ask anyone who knows me. But I'm going to drive myself insane if I don't do this. I've always thought that journals were for sissy pansy-boys, like that Damn Rat. I'll bet he keeps a diary. Not a journal, a diary. With a key, and little mice or lacy crap decorated on the outside.

I live in this three bed-room, two story house with my two cousins and our "house-keeper," although she's more like the household's psychiatrist with a brain malfunction. Don't get me wrong, I like Tohru. She's a great girl, but she says the stupidest things sometimes. Like the time when she said I had a plum stuck to my back, but only other people could see it. Can you say, "Emperor's New Clothes?" I don't really know how she came to be here. I had taken off for about four months to train with my Sensei up in the mountains (But I didn't fight bears! So drop it!), and when I came back, the Damn Rat was giving her my room. MY room, dammit! But I didn't really care. I was too hyped up. It had been my first fight with the Damn Rat since I got back. I was so confidant. I had worked so hard, improved so much, but in the end, he still sent me flying with little effort.

That just pisses me off! That Damn Rat doesn't do anything! He lazes about the house or works in that garden (Or his "Secret Base" as he calls it) of his. I work my ass off and he still beats me. I guess it's true, that the Children of the Rat are special. Damn them. Fuck them all.

(The next bit is scribbled out under a heavy hand)

If you ask me, he's a freak. I mean, he's so dammed perfect! Doesn't that creep anyone out!? Well, it creeps me out! I get stuck out in the cold while he is surrounded by the laughing faces of our family. He tries his best to fade into the shadows, but how can there be shadows when he's always basking in the limelight, while I get shoved into the background. No matter how hard I try, how loudly I scream to make myself heard, it's like I'm not even there. I mean, I know they hear me, I can get really loud because of all the practice, but it's like they don't understand what I'm saying. It's like I'm still a child, with everyone talking over my head.

I mean, not even the kids respect me! Well, Hiro doesn't respect anyone, and Momiji's a brat. And Haru's obsessed with the Damn Rat. And I barely even know Kisa. It's not that I care or anything, but it pisses me off.

But I've gotten off track. So, with Tohru living in my room, Shigure, my other cousin and the "adult" in the house, even though he acts more like a kid than the rest of us, put me in his study. I don't mind. Actually, I kind of prefer it. Then, no one really gets on my case when I have books in my room. It's something that they really hounded me about before. I'm not stupid! I don't care how many times they say it, but I ain't stupid. I just…have some trouble understanding things sometimes. I'm so used to my life being so hard and everyone hating me for various reasons ("he's the cat," "he's a monster," "he's got weird hair," "he's Sensei's pet…") that it's kinda hard to adjust to people like Tohru, who loves everyone and everything, no matter what. I think that's the thing I like and hate most about her. I mean, she'd sit Satan down to tea and snacks and tell him that it's not his fault that he's a evil bastard that kills, tricks, and steals souls away from people… and actually believe it! I'm not an overly religious person. Not many people in my family are. It's hard to believe in a "Greater Good or Design" when you're family has been cursed for God knows how long or a reason that no one knows. Especially when you're the Cat. The only animal left out of the Chinese Zodiac, because, all those centuries ago, the Rat tricked the Cat and left it out in the cold.

I hate the cold. I hate the rain even more. It's raining right now, actually. I guess that's why I'm writing this. If it weren't raining I wouldn't be so depressed that I would consider the edge of the rather blunt scissors in my desk drawer. I hate it when I have thoughts like that. It always leads me down a bad road. One I've already traveled. Ha. Bet you didn't know that. Of course you didn't. You're just a lump of paper. Forget it. I was really depressed a while back. I'm talking _really_. It was so bad that Sensei took me out of school for intensive training. That's what I like about Sensei. I can't handle people prying into my thoughts overly much. So, he let me rent my frustration and anger through my fists and feet. Let me run wild through the forests and mountains. Free to scream my heart out to the uncaring sky. For the first time, I felt really alive. I thank Sensei for that. The only man I will call Father.

I heard Shigure on the phone with Hatori, our family doctor and Shigure's cousin, I don't know what that makes him to me. My cousin twice removed or something. Anyway, Shigure was saying how Tohru's presence here changed me. I guess that's kind of true, but I think what really changed me was my time out there. Sometimes I wish I were back out there. In the wilderness, no one cares if you're good with words, or with people, no one cares if you transform into an orange cat if embraced by the opposite sex, no one cares that your family hates you, and, best yet, no one thinks of the future. I found that time does not exists out there. Only seasons. An endless cycles of growth and death that didn't care about the rotation of the clock. I hate clocks. They always make me feel as though my life were ticking away. I don't know how I will be able to stand it. When the finally shove me permanently into the dark.

That's why I started writing this, actually. Took me a while to get around to it. But you have to understand, throughout my whole damn life, I've always been looked at as "that Cat kid," the Cursed one. Even my own hypocritical family members scorn me. In fact, they scorn me most of all. They don't really do it on purpose, either. It just seems to be built into them. No one was meant to love the Cat.

No wonder the Cat's soul is dying.

I feel like I'm dying.

Dammit.

(A line is smudged into the paper, unreadable)

There's Tohru. I guess she wants something. I'll end it here.

__

20:43 (8:43 pm)


	2. Monday, February 16, 1998

Monday, February 16, 1998.

22:13 (10:13 pm)

Haru came by today. Actually, he left on Saturday, but got lost again. Stupid cow. Supposedly, he came by to challenge me to a fight, but ended up trailing after that Damn Rat all day. I really hate it when he does that. I mean, it's not like I care what goes on in Haru's head (whoa, scary thought), but at the very least he could stop pretending to care about spending time with me. It's just pathetic. Haru used to be my best friend. My only friend, actually. When we were kids. When his parents brought him to Sensei to try and calm his anger. His anger was a whole lot like mine. Explosive and unpredictable. Except, I've kinda mellowed a lot lately. I guess that's a good thing. My cousins see it as such, but it's really resignation more the anything. I've resigned myself to the fate of all Cats that are born to this family.

Hatsuharu hated that Damn Rat even more than I did at the time. I was to busy hating the world to focus on one person. But Haru blamed all of his difficulties on the Rat. He hated him so much that his anger split, he couldn't contain it all. So, Black Haru was born. I like it when Haru goes Black. It reminds me of when we were kids, before he became enamored with that Damn Rat. Whenever Haru and me are together, I do my best to drag him out. I'm actually surprised that no one guessed that that was what I was trying to do. I guess they just thought that Kyou was being stupid again. Tch. Black Haru is a bastard. But, admittedly, he's a funny bastard. He's someone that doesn't mind lashing out as I do. Black Haru and I connect in a way that I don't with anyone else. He's family.

He doesn't accept me, though. He does more than anyone, besides Tohru, that is. That's because he understands me the most. But he's never gone as far in his thoughts as I. All that he needed was to vent at the Damn Rat once and all his anger disappeared. That was the day he started following him around like some demented puppy. That was the day that I really started to hate Yuki.

Haru stopped hanging around me as much after that. It was as if I had been replaced. And I had been replaced so very easily. I didn't cry. Even though I was only seven years old at the time. I felt this sort of calm descend upon me. An understanding. The Cat does not belong. Neither with humans or the Zodiac. The Cat will always be left out. I ran away for nearly a week that time. Sensei was the one to find me, was always the one to find me.

And don't even get me started on Kagura. That girl has a straight-jacket with her name on it. She says she loves me. (That just gave me the shivers) But I know it's a lie. Don't even ask me why she even likes me. She's just one of those people that finds a stray animal that no-one cares about and wants to take care of it, but ends up killing it because of being too enthusiastic. Ooh yeah. That is so like her. I just can't stand her. I mean, she's okay when she's… not there. Shigure always says that it's her way of showing affection. I just wish that she'd switch places with Haru in that. Oh, now that's a wonderful image; Kagure chasing Yuki down in a fit of overwhelming "love." I think I'll store that image away.

I'm outside on the roof right now. Like I said, Haru came to visit today. He came to "fight." I put him off until Black Haru came out and we fought. I won. Although, Haru quit after being knocked back to White. He always does that. Damn Rat. Then he went and followed Yuki around, looking for all the world as Kisa did when she first met Tohru. Only Yuki didn't turn around and declare his undying love for him. Oh. Bad thought.

As soon as Haru got distracted by that Damn Rat, I felt ill, so I came up here. That was several hours ago. It's a nice night. It's so clear that I can see Jupiter. I know all of the constellations and the stories behind them. I read it in a book somewhere. I like the stars. So many flickering dots, trying their best to remain alight while surrounded by suffocating darkness. Sometimes, I see a star fade. I saw a star fade tonight, actually. I always feel a piece of me die whenever I see that. It hurts. I don't know why.

Tohru's probably going to bring up some kind of snack later. Unless she's forgotten. I wouldn't be surprised, even if that is not like her. Why would anyone remember the Cat. I didn't show up at dinner tonight. I am not hungry. Just that image of Haru mooning over that Damn Rat over the dinner table makes me sick to the stomach. I bet the only person who noticed my absence was Tohru. Unless they distracted her, which was likely.

Shigure, I never know what to make of. He's a pervert, simple enough. But there are times when he projects this dark aura that makes my hair stand on end. I know he keeps a lot of secrets. It's none of my business, though. He's a manipulative bastard. He manages to fool even that Damn Rat with his fool-hearty, perverse-ness while all the while he's edging us towards some unknown goal.

Like the time when he tricked me into taking the entrance exam to High school. He had said, "Yuki passed this easily, getting one of the best scores in the history of the school. Isn't that incredible?!" Of course, I had to show him up. More than anything, I wanted to prove that I was not stupid. That is why I didn't think to blow the test. If I had done so then the insults would be more vicious. So I took the damn test. I received top marks too. Not as high as Yuki, of course, because when has the Cat ever beaten the Rat? That pissed me off even more. I was furious that I had been tricked into going to High school. Not only High school, but co-ed High school. This meant girls went there too. And I was going to the same school as that Rat. Which also meant that I would be stuck in the Damn Fucker's shadow twenty-four hours a day. I wish I hadn't taken that test.

The only people that know about my test scores are Sensei and Shigure. Neither has told anyone though. Not that I care. I asked them not to. Shigure hasn't even told Akito. I don't know why. I don't understand him. I think he likes being unpredictable, even when he's being predictable, ya know? I think I sort of do understand Shigure, in a weird way. I don't understand why he does things, but I think I sort of understand how he thinks to do things. Or not. I don't know. I think I'm just confusing myself. Okay, moving on.

I forgot where I was going with this. Oh yeah. So, when Haru came over today, he gave me a message from Hatori. I guess I have an appointment or something tomorrow. Why he didn't call, I have no idea. Most of the family don't know this, but I have bi-monthly checkups with Hatori. It's not that I am or was sick or anything like that Damn Rat, it's that Hatori wants to keep an eye on my Zodiac form. Before Sensei took me training in the mountains, I kinda got…overzealous once. That's how Sensei found out about my problem. Well, I kinda over bled or something and transformed into my cat form. A cat really can't afford to lose that much blood, ya know? So, well, I'm not really sure how to explain it, so I'll just put down what happened.

When I had woke, the first thing I had seen was the cold, white ceiling of Hatori's office. I had been placed on his medical bed, a thin sheet spread over me. I felt really woozy, everything fuzzy and uncertain. It made it very hard to think. I found out later that I had also been pumped with pain-killers, which aided in my concentration problems.

"You're awake?" someone said. It was cool voice and clinical. I turned my head to see Hatori watching me with his flat, opaque eyes. His eyes have always creeped me out. They always look so… dead. I opened my mouth to speak but my tongue refused to work. Instead an unintelligible stream of sounds escaped my mouth. If I had been more coherent, I'd have been embarrassed and pissed.

"You've been out for three days," he said. I had trouble understanding what he said. I had been somewhere? Where had I gone? I really had no memory of…anything. I sort of blacked out again after that. When I came to again I was more coherent and flatly refused any more painkillers. I hate the way that stuff messes with my head. After I became more like myself, and driving both Hatori and Sensei up the wall on the way (They made me stay in bed and I hate being forced to remain in one place for long), Hatori made me tell him things.

"How long?" was his first question.

I scowled down at my bandaged legs. It was going to be hard to walk for a while, given the thickness of the bandages. "'Bout a year," I muttered. I heard Sensei's gasp to the right of me, where he sat by the cabinet. Hatori's eyes narrowed slightly, his only sign of distress or whatever.

"Care to explain why?"

I shrugged, picking at the edges of the bed sheet. How was I to explain…? How was I supposed to explain the deep, overwhelming despair that dampens everything out until the only thing that gets through is the sharp, bright pain of a blade slitting skin? The pressure of living was just too much. The looks I received everyday cut me like no blade could. The fear, the loathing, all of which only added to the mound that pressed me further down until a blade was my only solace. How was I supposed to explain the unexplainable?

"I dunno."

"Kyou…" Hatori began, but cut himself off. He stared down at his clipboard. For the first time, he seemed at a loss. So, he switched subjects. "As you are aware, when our bodies are under too much stress we transform into our Zodiac forms. You are also aware that you've always been more in tune with your Cat soul than the rest of us." I nodded faintly. It was true. Most of the Zodiac members take on characteristics of their animals, but none as much as me. I think it's because of the creature hidden by my prayer beads. So, none of this was news to me. Hatori went on,

"When you transformed as a result of your body's weakness, the trauma caused you and the Cat's spirit to merge even more."

"What?!"

"I am not certain how this occurred. I'm am also uncertain how this will affect you. So-"

"How can you even tell?!" I demanded. This guy was full of shit! What does he mean mine and the Cat's soul merged?! How can souls merge?!

"I can tell," he said flatly. "I can see it." His cold, opaque eyes met mine and I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck rise.

I bristled. "What the hell are you staring at!?"

"I'm going to run some tests," Hatori continued, ignoring me. "In the meantime, I want you to remain here, regardless, for at least another week until I deem you healthy enough to leave. Do you understand?"

I bared my teeth. "Yes," I hissed. I hated the idea of remaining under the unnerving gaze of the doctor, yet, one pleading look from my Sensei told me to grimace and bare it. So, I did. As it turned out, Hatori was right. As always. Somehow, I was even more cat-like than before. In little ways. Like my nose was more sensitive and my ears twitched slightly when I was annoyed. I was also flightier, in that I was more quick to anger than before, which was a scary thought, even to me. Sensei also told me that when I got overly excited that my pupils occasionally changed into slits. I am still not sure how I should react to all of this. I mean, while a lot of this causes a negative impact on me in a lot of ways, like making it harder to keep this curse a secret from normal people, but it also helped me in a big way. For some reason, my depression was a whole lot easier to bare. Sure, there are times when I stare at the edge of a blade for some time, but I always put it away, disgusted with myself. Perhaps the Cat's instincts of self-preservation are one of the things that rubbed off on me. Whatever the reason, I'm sort of glad it happened.

After Hatori released me, Sensei took me out into the mountains for four months to get me used to my new instincts and to help me find a balance. I'm still not sure I've found one. Shigure tells me that I'm too recluse, that I need to spend more time with people, but that thought always makes my hair stand on end. When I spend time with people, I feel more human, more myself, but a part of me yearns for the quiet solitude of the roof, or someplace where I could stare at the sky. When I get angry, my feline instincts come out and my more human part gets caught up in the surge of strange emotions and sensations. It's very odd.

I thought that with my new instincts and my intensive training with Sensei, that I would be able to beat that Damn Rat once and for all. I was wrong. Again.

Oh. Here's Tohru with some rice balls. I might write again later. If I feel like it.

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23:20 (11:23 pm)


	3. Wednesday February 17, 1998

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Wednesday February 17, 1998.

00:06 (12:06 am)

Hatori is a bastard.

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00:06 (12:06 am)

Wednesday February 17, 1998.

9:56 (9:56 am)

It is very cold today, so I'm staying inside by the _kotatsu_ to stay as warm as possible. Actually, most of our household is tying to get as near the heater as possible. Yuki is draped over the table looking like he's drugged or something watching television. He always looks out of it when he watches TV. Of course, he only _looks _out of it. Try to attack him and you'll find yourself across the room with a massive bruise on your jaw. If you had a jaw, I mean. And weren't just a book. Never mind.

Shigure is busy with one of his novels. I don't know which kind and I really don't want to ask. Some things even the 'curious' cat is afraid of the answer. Tohru is alternating between her homework and whatever she's cooking in the kitchen. My nose tells me is some kind of stew. Wait. It's miso! I like miso, as long as it's soup. No leeks today. Yes! In your face, Yuki!

I'm currently lying out, practically hidden underneath the thick blanket of the _kotatsu_ while writing this. Well, I was reading, but I found this really interesting bit that I decided I wanted to put in here. I was reading down here before I got this out. I didn't want to be given crap by those bastards. So, I was reading this book when I found this quote by someone called "Mark Twain." A freaking weird name if you ask me. So, anyway, it said, "Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat."

I'm not sure what I should think of it. But I thought it interesting.

Tohru is talking about going to a movie with those freaky friends of hers. Yuki's already volunteered to go with her and Shigure's pestering me to go too. I hate movies. I hate sitting in the crowded, dark movie theatre trying to care about stupid make-believe people. I don't see the point of it. Haru tried to explain it to me once. How most people enjoy the escape into a land where their problems don't exist and they know that everything in the movie will turn out alright. Of course, I told him that was stupid. That why would someone watch the stupid thing when they already know what to expect?! I'm not going to the movies. I'm too tired.

I suppose if you had a brain and weren't just a pathetic lump of tree remains than you'd be wondering about my comment I made this morning about Hatori. Hatori is such a bastard. I started this stupid thing as an experiment. Too many thoughts that day. I told Hatori about it and now he'd making write in it every single fucking day! I'm going to have to find a good hiding spot for this thing, in case that Damn fucking Rat tries something. I'd concider getting one with a lock but that sounds too much like a sissy diary to me. I think I'll just hide it in a tree or something. Maybe not, because then it would be hard to get it when it rains or snows or whatever.

Hatori also told me that I seem to be adapting well to my new situation. I'm not sure if he meant here or with my Zodiac form. Whichever it was I wish he wouldn't patronize me like that. I'm not a child to be given false praise to keep me docile. I don't need lies. I hate lies. I cannot express in words how much I hate lies.

I don't lie.

Okay, so maybe I do, but I don't mean it. It's not like I set out to lie. I just get frustrated with the situation and try to misdirect it with whatever comes out of my mouth. Now, that Damn Right lies. Hell, he lies all the damn time. Well, maybe not all the time, but he does a lot. Sure, it's handy and all when he has to explain away the awkward situation our family members tend to find themselves in. I can't do that. I just get all quiet. Or tell them to shut up. It's none of their business!

Everyone in this family lies. It seems to be a geaner… generic trait. Even Hatori lies. Occasionally. He actually the most honest of the lot. I guess that's why I can stand him more than…others. Not much. He's way too stiff and …polite? Formal? Whatever it is he has way too much of it.

Hatori has had his own problems. He wanted to marry this girl, I forget her name, but when he told Akito (he's the Head of the Family. A right bastard), he (Akito, not Hatori) got really pissed. In his temper tantrum, he knocked over a vase and one of the broken shards got into Hatori's eye. He's nearly blind in it now. And somehow, Whats-Her-Name got it into her empty head that it was her fault. Um. How? She was on the other side of the damn room! Because she didn't immediately jump into action to help Hatori's eye? Hell! If I saw my lover's (not that I had one or ever expect too) eye gushing out blood like that I'd be kinda shocked too. The little Drama Queen couldn't get it out of her head that Akito's spoiled and frankly swaggering, kimono-covered dictator with delusions of God-hood behavior was her fault. So, Hatori had to finally erase her memory so she wouldn't kill herself.

Oh, yeah, he has that ability. I say if you're going to be degraded from a dragon to a seahorse you might as well get some cool powers out of the deal.

Since Whats-Her-Name left back home, Hatori has been as cold as ever. He was a little better for a while, but now it seems like he should be twice as cold to make up of his lapse of judgment. Hey, it's not our fault that he was stupid enough to think Akito would let him be happy. He shouldn't try to be so cold to us that we catch pneumonia. He's a doctor for crying out loud. He should be more careful.

I (long scribble that rips part of the page)

(This next bit is written heavily and sloppily, as if written in a great fury) _THAT STUPID FUCKING RAT!! I knew I shouldn't have had this thing when he was in the same fucking room! Do ya wanna know why?! HE stole it! He took it right out from under my nose! I swear my head was about to explode! How dare he. It's MINE! Not his! Why does he think that everything he lays his eyes on is his?! This is mine! My words, my thoughts! It's none of his DAMN BUSINESS!_

Fortunately, Shigure made him give it back before he could read any of it. I wonder if Hatori told him about this thing. It kinda surprised me that Shigure stood up for me like that. I would have thought that he'd want that Damn fucking Rat to read it aloud. I swear if I'm not forced to write this damned thing I would have burned it.

__

20:34 (8:34pm)


	4. February 18, 1998

_February 18, 1998._

_22:38 (10:38pm)_

I've figured out something about Tohru.

It's not very good. I hate it when I think too much. Because then my thoughts circle around until they reach a point where the only place to go is in. 'In' is dangerous, because then you think all sorts of things you wish you didn't think.

This was one of those times.

I was replaying one of my happier memories. When Tohru first said she liked me.

Correction: She said she liked the Cat of Zodiac. Thrills. She likes the thing I hate the most. She likes what I have been practically disowned because of. Almost everyone I have ever known has hated the Cat. I have always wanted someone to look past all of that. I wanted someone to see me.

I thought Tohru was that someone.

But while I was replying her words, "I have always loved the Cat from the Zodiac..." a realization came to me as sudden as a two-by-four to the back of my head. She has always loved the _Cat._ The Cat.

I have always been called the Cat, the Stupid Cat, the Cursed Cat, and all sorts of worse names all centered around the Cat all my life. So the thought of the Cat and I being of one name is something I always accepted. Just a few hours ago I was thinking up on the roof again (and freezing my ass off) and I discovered how much I want someone to like _me_. To accept _me_ as I am. I don't care if they accept the Cat or the creature behind my beads, I just want someone who can accept just me.

Tohru doesn't do that.

Well, that's not really her fault. It's not like she knows about my beads. No one's told her and I really don't want her to find out. Why? Because I know that if she finds out she'll hate me. No, wait, that's not her. If she just hears about it she'll be all, "Oh, okay, Kyou," in that slightly air-headed way of hers when she doesn't understand but knows we don't want to talk about it. But if she ever sees it... she'll be just like everyone else. I don't know what I'll do then.

What I hate most about this situation with Tohru, with Akito allowing her to remain living here with the knowledge of our secret, is that I know Akito is up to something. I think that he's waiting for her to find out about my beads. I think he's just looking for an excuse to lock me up.

As if he needs one.

The last time I met with Akito, damn, it must have been seven years ago, we met in a place outside the Inner area of the Main House. That's because I'm not allowed in there. Because I'm the Cat. I've snuck in loads of times, though, when I was a kid. I've long lost interest in it, it's really boring in there. Everyone inside is stupid.

Akito was taunting me as he loves to do with all of the Family. I suppose I should explain something at this point. It is _tradition _that the Cat be placed in a separate house when they reach eighteen. This is not as happy as it sounds. They put the Cat in a tiny house about five feet high and six across. There is no door, but one window which faces North.(1) The Cat remains there for the rest of his or her life.

Now, Akito knows how terrified I am of being locked up. Hell! Anyone would be scared shitless! Since my birthday is during the school year, he as agreed to let me remain free until I graduate. Furthermore, he offered me a bet. If I were able to beat Yuki in a fight before my eighteenth birthday, I would remain free.

I accepted. Hell, how could I not!? This was my chance! The chance that would allow me to be accepted as a member of the Zodiac, that the Cat is not a monster that needs to be locked away.

That was the day that I began trying to beat Yuki in earnest. Every time I saw that smug expression on his face I saw red. He's always mocking me! Taunting me with the fact that I haven't been able to beat him, hell, even lay a fucking hand on him! He knows that if I don't beat him I'll be locked away forever! I'll bet he relishes that thought. I'll bet he sits up at night laughing to himself at me. Damn Rat.

Maybe I should just run away. I could live in the mountains again, like I did with Sensei. He'd probably find me, Sensei, I mean. He'd want to take me back. If I could somehow convince him....but no. Sensei is devoted to the Family. His decision to take me in after my mother died was to ease his own guilt, it had nothing to do with me. Which was probably why I went with him. Oh, I know he cares about me now. Not that I understand why or anything. Still, he was raised to the traditions of our family and he has never disobeyed an order.

I don't think I'm ready to talk about that.

_22:47 (10:47pm)_

(1)in Feng Shui it is believed that the chi Yin (good chi) comes up from the south while the Yang (bad chi) comes from the North.

("Happy birthday" Helena-Ryou-Weasly! Lots of thanks to reviewers! Luv ya!)


	5. Feb 19 through March 13

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February 19, 1999

17:22 (5:22pm)

Blahblahblah. There! I wrote something! Are you happy, Hatori! And is it just me, or is February the longest freaking month of the whole damn year!

__

17:22 (5:22pm)

February 21, 1999

05:30 (5:30 am)

I have this dream. And I ain't talking about some dream crap like that one guy, whats-his-name. I mean, I dunno, like when I get really pissed off, right? And I leave. Sometimes I go to the roof. I like it on the roof. I don't need a ladder and usually the rest of the family wouldn't bother me. Tohru comes occasionally, when she thinks I'm particularly upset. Still, I like the roof because… This is going to sound stupid, but because of the tile. The tile is made out of something that holds in heat really well, so even on a cold day, if the sun was shining the tile would be tolerable. Plus I got a great view. Of the sky I mean, nothing perverted! At night I got a great view of the stars. I would stare up and dream that I was someone else.

In my dream I'd have plain black hair, and maybe dark brown eyes. I'd still do martial arts, and Shishou would be my father. Yuki would be a slut of a girl who got STDs and died. Haru would be my best friend and we'd hang out with the rest of the family on social gatherings. On Christmas, we'd play games. I'd refuse to play until someone, probably Momiji, would drag me in. Hatori would be married to whats-her-face and have twin girls, who for some reason had attached themselves to my side. Ayame, saddened, for some unknown reason, by Yuki's death would become less noisy. He'd marry that assistant of his, while Shigure was out chasing unsuspecting high-school girls and generally being a pain. I dunno why that last. Maybe because something don't change.

I'd have friends at school. I'd be smart. People would like me and listen to me. Tohru's mother would be alive…

It's just a stupid dream.

But still…

05:50 (5:50 am)

15:11 (3:11 pm)

I'm wet. And I'm cold. I'm wet and I'm cold and that DAMN RAT took all the DAMN TOWELS! Haru appeared out of no-where again, this time with Kisa at his heels. Somehow, sometime during their visit there was an impromptu snow fight. Don't ask me how it got started. But it ended up being me and Haru pitted against Tohru and Kisa in an all out snow war. We'd been playing for only about ten minutes. I was …upset because Haru had turned traitor and dumped an armload of snow down my back. That bastard. My yelling and everyone else's laughter brought Yuki out.

Just as he came out I had hurled a glob of snow at Haru, who ducked, and it hit Yuki square in the face.

Oh happy day!

I just laughed my ass off. Yuki got all ticked and was starting forward when another snowball smacked him right upside the head. And who was this person who threw this? Tohru. Aw man, you should have seen the look on his face! It was as if Akito came prancing out in a tutu and started to dance. Somehow, it stopped the Rat from attacking me and Yuki actually joined in the game. On Tohru's side of course.

It was three against two, well, three against three if you counted Black Haru. But Haru was White all day, so I don't. And Yuki hadn't forgotten my hitting him, as I had thought. That bastard managed to get me pinned and bury me in snow. Soaking wet and freezing my butt off, I came inside. But that DAMNED RAT had beaten me to the tub and is currently holding all the towels hostage.

Jeez, it was just an accident. Damn PMS-ing bitch. It was funny as hell, but he doesn't need to go this far. 

Oh great, I think I'm getting a cold. I just sneezed. Guh, there I go again. Shit. I probably am getting sick, and its all that damn rat's fault.

If I die, I'm so haunting his ass.

15:41 (3:41 pm)

February 28, 1999

18:06 (6:06 pm)

Have I mentioned how much I hate being sick? I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate being stuck in bed. I hate having to drink glass after glass of tea crap. I hate it when Tohru has one of her stupid moments and makes me leek soup to make me feel better. I hate it when Shigure tricks me into taking medication. I hate the way the medication makes me feel. But what I hate the most… is that when I'm sick I feel the most pathetic. When Tohru was sick she practically had the entire family banging at her door. When Shigure's sick, he has Ayame and Hatori visiting him. Yuki? Yuki has Haru and Tohru, Hatori, practically the whole family camped outside his room. When I'm sick, no one visits. When I was little, Sensei would stay up with me, reading to me. That was okay. Tohru and Shigure just come in, force feed me crap, interrogate me on how I feel, then leave me alone. I think that last is Shigure's doing, him thinking that I want to be left alone.

I do, of course.

After a week it gets kind of… lonely. I'm sick of reading. I swear if I have to read one more romance novel Shigure so _kindly _forces onto me, I'm going to go down to his study and vomit all over his desk.

__

March 4, 1999

20:42 (8:42 pm)

HELLYEAH! FEBRUARY IS OVER!

__

20:42 (8:42pm)

March 13

22: 52 (10:52 pm)

I've been so busy lately. With exams around the corner at school the teachers have been forcing work down our throats. Shigure wants us to help clean the house. Spring cleaning, you know. So I've been ducking out of the house as much as possible. It's not like I'm avoiding work, its just that I have better things to do. Like napping. Or training.

So I was napping the other day. I was in my tree. There is this lake about a twenty minute walk from the house. I like the lake. I go there when I'm upset or something. I like watching the water, okay!

Anyway. I was sitting in this tree, kinda dozing, when Haru came along. I think he was lost again. He didn't see me at first. I didn't say anything. I really didn't want to deal with him at the moment. He saw me, though, and came to stand at the base of my tree.

Neither of us spoke for a while. I didn't know what to say, really. He seemed content just standing there. Hey, I came here for quiet, not for a fight. And if he's going to be quiet then I have nothing to complain about. Except that I can't relax with him just standing there. What the hell does he want?

"Hatori asked me something the other day," he spoke, startling me slightly. "I found it interesting. When the snow melts what does it turn into?"

I couldn't help but look at him as if he were an idiot. What the hell kinda question is that? At the same time I was suspicious. He said Hatori asked him that, and Hatori knows that snow becomes water when it melts. So it has to be some kind of trick question. For the life of me I couldn't figure it out. Irritated at probably being made a fool of, I snapped, "What kind of stupid question is that! What does it matter? It'll just snow again next year!"

Haru blinked up at me. "That's just like you, Kyou."

I bristled. "What does that supposed to mean!"

Haru didn't respond, turning back to look at the lake. My fingers dug into the branch beneath me.

"You know, you guys have changed."

I felt my eyebrow quirk slightly.

"Before… you two couldn't even be in the same room together without fighting. Now, you fight a lot less. It…makes me happy."

I scowled. Of course, it was about that Damn Rat. Of course he was happy that the Damn Rat wasn't being inconvenienced anymore. They all are a lot happier now. Now that I've almost given up. I've been fighting my whole life. Constantly fighting, anyone would get tired. Not that I've given up. I'll never give up. I'm just… taking a break. That's all.

"In fact, I think Tohru has a lot to do with it. Somehow. Maybe one day you won't fight at all. That thought really… makes me happy."

What?

Haru suddenly tilted his head back, a small smile on his lips. "I think you two are starting to accept each other… if only a little."

I was angry. For some reason, I was furious. I don't remember ever feeling so angry, yet at the same time, so sad. I know Haru doesn't know why I fight with Yuki. Even so, I felt betrayed. I know he likes Yuki more than me. Has this ridiculous crush on him, thinks he's perfect. Just like everyone else. But I've always been stronger than Haru. Its me that Haru always wants to defeat. It's… nice. It almost felt like encouragement. Everyone always told me to stop fighting and Haru encouraged it. As if he knew if I tried hard enough I could beat anything. I could be excepted. I could defeat Yuki. The thought probably never crossed his mind, but it was important to me. And now, it was like he was giving up on me. I feel so betrayed.

I know I push people away. I can't help it. No one has ever really cared for me. I was just the Cat. The Family's metaphorical skeleton-in-the-closet. Yet, even worse than just being the Cat, I was the parentless Cat. There was no one to protect me from their acidic words. I never really knew my father, and my mother died when I was six. I remember standing at the funeral, unable to see her even though I stood right beside her coffin. All I heard were whispers. Crowds parted around me as if they were afraid to touch me. Or disgusted. Lips moved behind hands exchanging stories, tales, lies.

_"From what I hear it seems like suicide."_

"I guess it was so hard on her having the Cat as a son that she killed herself."

"If only she hadn't had that Cat child."

"The boy doesn't even cry.." "Even though he's the one who pushed her into suicide."

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT!"

"Kyou?" My face was buried in my hands as I fought to control my fury. Its always anger. Because if its not anger its tears. And I can't let them see my tears. I don't care what they think. I don't! I don't care, and it's not my fault!

__

Not my fault!

"I know."

Shishou…

Hey, I think I'm getting better at this journal thing. I just reread everything I just wrote and I realized that if anyone would read this they'd have enough blackmail to torture me for the rest of my life. But… I don't I want to change it. I kinda like having wrote it.

I don't know why.

__

Tbc…

I don't often do author's note, because I feel it's a waste of everyone's time and no-one ever reads them. However I want to complain and explain. Sorry this chapter took so long to get out. My last semester was absolute hell. Took me a while to recover, then I've been trying desperately to find a job so I can pay for NEXT semester. Plus my computer LOST half the chapter and I had to rewrite it all again. Which I was VERY upset because I lost a lot of good bits. Buut you got some other good bits out of the situation that I hadn't had before. So you guys lost nothing. I just wasted half a day of my life, that's all. Sorry too that I left it there, but think of it like this. I can't stand leaving a scene half-finished, so that means I'll get out the next chapter much faster.

Next chapter: In Which Gravity Takes Hold, or Snake in the Grass.


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